Fight like your life depends on it... because it does!
Last week, I was supposed to attend a Leaders Conference, that I qualified for, in Tulsa. I had been looking forward to this for months, for so many reason. I was looking forward to everything that I would learn, that I would be able to bring back and share with my team. I was looking forward to being able to hear Rachel Hollis (author of Girl Wash Your Face) speak live. I was looking forward to connecting with friends. I was looking forward to having a mommy break. I was looking forward to the escape from everyday life...
I have so much to tell you all about what I learned this past week, but more importantly... I have even more to tell you about what I have been going through the past couple of years.
Let's start with last week... I was supposed to fly out, bright and early Thursday morning and it wasn't until Wednesday evening, that I learned that wouldn't be happening. Some how, I NEVER booked the flight I would've bet money on, that I did! I mean, I knew everything about this flight... the time it would take off, when it would land, the connecting city etc., but somehow I could not find my confirmation number anywhere and my name was no where to be found on the manifest, for any flight! I was in shock and needed time to process (insert social media break here).
That was when God swooped in and the reminded me, that I am not in control and that sometimes we have to be knocked down to learn how to get back up and realign with our purpose.
For the past three years, I have been battling Postpartum Depression. This time last year, I had a mental breakdown and found myself in the hospital, the day we were supposed to celebrate halloween with the kids. I told no one. To be honest, I have battled with depression my whole life, but through it all, I'm still here and I WILL FIGHT!
I will fight for my happiness...
I will fight for my faith...
I will fight for my family...
I will fight for my God given dreams...
It is all worth fighting for!
Back to last week, because we have to start somewhere.
I was thrown off course and forced to adapt, or so I thought. Looking back, I now see that I fell–which is what happens when you teeter on the edge for far to long, you fall off course.
When I found out that something I had planned for months, was no longer happening, I was devastated and didn't know what to do. My husband had taken two days off of work to stay home with the kids while I was supposed to be away. I prayed for a miracle that would some how get me to Tulsa. I searched last minute flights on every airline but the cheapest I could find was over $1000.
The next morning, I had come to terms that it wasn't happening, so I decided to start addressing some things in my life that needed to be addressed. Last month, I had finally made the necessary steps towards finding a therapist, something I should've done years ago, but I'm stubborn. Unfortunately, the therapist I wanted to see, didn't have an opening till mid November... except for the weekend I was supposed to be away in Tulsa. A similar situation happened with finally putting focus on some major dental work that I needed to address, which was a three step process and the second step only had two options–the weekend I was to be traveling for work or late November. Do you see the trend here...
It was then that I realized I needed to be home, to focus on me. I had been putting off so much, for far too long, and nothing in my life was improving because of it. I mentioned how last year, around this time, I had a mental breakdown (more on that later) and ended up in the hospital, well since then things have improved a little but not enough. It was time to fight!
I called my dentist and scheduled round two for Friday. I called the therapist I wanted to meet with and scheduled my first visit for Saturday and I promised myself I would go to church Sunday.
THEN I got a text message from a friend to FaceTime her, she wanted to help...
This friend had found a ticket for me that was $600, where I would fly to Oklahoma City and could then drive a rental car to Tulsa. I wouldn't arrive to my destination until till 2am but I would be there for the conference. She also offered to pay for it and I could pay her back. I was in SHOCK and honestly didn't know what to do. One one hand, it was as if this was the miracle that I prayed for, that would somehow get me to Tulsa. One the other hand, it felt like a test, or a shiny object to somehow derail me again. Here I was, slowly coming to terms with the mistake I had made, and also taking action, on some big steps that I needed for me. But now there was an option, where there was none only minutes before...
My gut told me, that I wasn't supposed to be in Tulsa and I needed to stay. I wanted to be at that conference so bad, but I also knew that I wouldn't hear anything I had never heard before and while it would be inspiring in the moment, I would come back home and fall right back into my old ways. It was time to shake things up! So I turned down my generous friends offer, kept my appointments and stayed. I took a lot of time to be alone over those next few days, sans social media, deleting all apps from my phone, which was the best decision I ever made.
I went the the dentist friday and had oral surgery–my mouth is still hurting but each day gets better.
I had my FIRST therapy appointment and it was AMAZING (more on that later).
I wrote a lot. Brainstorming ideas and concepts for the blog, focused on gratitude and wrote down some of my story.
I made to time to read books and linger in cafe's, like I used to do prior to kids.
I went to bed early.
Then Saturday night came around and we decide we would go to the pumpkin patch Sunday after church. I almost talked myself out of going to church, telling myself it would be better to get to the pumpkin patch early, but I was pulled to go, so we did.
This is where things get interesting... we went to church Sunday and let me tell you, I know that God was speaking directly to me. The message this past Sunday was "I will fight". Our pastor preached for 45 min centered around fighting for your life, for you faith, for your family and relationships, for your community, for your city. What ever it is that you are going through, fight through it.
The devil doesn't have to defeat you (he can't), but he knows he just has to dislocate you.
Carl Lentz, Hillsong NYC Lead Pastor
The message was centered a lot around staying aligned in your life... with your faith, your family, your goals etc. If there is an area in your life that feels dislocated, you must reevaluate and check your alignment. It's funny because that's exactly what I had started to do prior, this message was just confirmation that I was on the right path and made the right decision NOT to go to Tulsa.
So much of my life had fallen off of alignment over the years and instead of realigning I would create a new path without addressing the current displacement. Sometimes new paths are needed but you still have to address what caused you to be displaced in the first place and realign accordingly.
I know this post is different that you're typically used to seeing from me... but if you've been around since the beginning, which I know there is at least a few of you, you will remember that I used to have a series called "Finding Sage...", which was basically just life chats focused on inspiration / motivation.
I want to get back to that and I also want to start being more transparent about my mental health journey.
So here I am, showing up, ready to FIGHT, because my husband deserves it, because my kids deserve it, because you all deserve it and because my life depends on it!
To be continued...
Comment below if you are fighting an internal battle, I'd love to support you. Or maybe you have a similar story, I'd love to hear from you, please email firstname.lastname@example.org